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 for giggles and laughs

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Relie
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PostSubject: for giggles and laughs   Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:30 am

Heaven only knows we have days where we all need to laugh. If we can't bring ourselves to laugh, maybe a smile?

How about a thread where we can all share all those jokes we get in our emails?

Here's a start.......


Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
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lilwing
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Tue Jan 15, 2008 4:32 am

LMAO! reminds me of my tommy....finances being what they are the moment...*grin*
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Cally
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:33 am

Okay, ya'll like jokes. Lets see how many of you find this one funny.

Little girl and her mom and walking through the zoon and see two monkeys going at it in the cage. The little girl tugs on her moms hand and says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mom is flustered and thinks for a moment before replying. "Why they are... ah... making a cake!"

The next day the two are walking along the beach and see two teenages going at it on the sand. The little girl tugs on her moms hand and again asks. "Mommy what are they doing?" The mom, once more is flustered but responds. "THey are...uhm... making a cake!"

The next morning the two are in the kitchen and the little girl tugs on her moms hand and asks. "You and daddy where making cakes last night weren't you?" The mom is surprised but answers. "Yes, yes we were. Why do you ask?" The little girl responds. "Cuz I licked the icing off the couch."
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Tue Jan 15, 2008 6:07 pm

EWWWWW!! LMAO!

Okay...I have one too...

A very young innocent couple got married....they were very very shy and always referred to sex as "washing machine"

One night, the husband rolls over to his wife and says "honey....washing machine" and the young wife puts him off....saying "My head hurts tonight honey...not tonight please?" They both go to sleep.

The next night, the young husband rolls over to his wife and says "darling, washing machine" and the young girl puts her husband off yet again...."oh, not tonight, I ....I just don't feel well and I'm tired" and they both go to sleep.

The THIRD night, the young man turns to his wife and tersely says "washing machine." his young wife replies "oh, no, not tonight...my head hurts, I'm so icky feeling and tired, I just...no..not tonight." The husband rolls himself over with a bit of a pout.

The young newlywed starts thinking to herself as she lays there "well, this is no way to treat my husband! We have only been married just a short while and I am already putting him off...Shame on me. This is no way to start a marriage" and the young girl rolls over to her husband and softly says "honey, I changed my mind...I'm sorry...washing machine"

and her husband replied "never mind, it was just a small load and I did it by hand."
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Cally
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:40 pm

(copied and pasted on my way out the door. I do love this one, had to share Wink


A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long."Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. You will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!" The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter."WOW," he screamed out loud, This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." "Fifteen inches is still a monster" he reflected for a moment. "Just a little less would be ideal." he thought. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in disgust, "How many times do I have to tell you? "NO!"......"NO!"......and for the last time "NO!"
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lilwing
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:55 pm

ooop!
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Iocane
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:24 am

Cally wrote:
Okay, ya'll like jokes. Lets see how many of you find this one funny.

*giggles* I like that one. Tried to find one to 'go with it' but nothing came up, *pout*

*hugs*
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Relie
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Wed Jan 16, 2008 1:25 pm

The only way to have some privacy time on a Sunday afternoon with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Fudgesicle and tell him to report on all that was happening.



He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.



"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by." Looks like the Anderson's have company”, he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, Looks like the Sanders are moving, and Jason is on his skate board." After a few moments he announced, "The Johnson's are having sex!"



Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"



"Jimmy Johnson is standing on his balcony with a Fudgesicle!"
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lilwing
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Wed Jan 16, 2008 6:40 pm

Science question
> The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
> her class, "Which human > body part increases to
10 times
its size when> stimulated?"

> No one answered until little Molly stood up and
> said, "You should not be
> asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going
> to tell my parents and they

> will go tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
> She then sat back down.

> Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question
> again, "Which body part
> increases to 10 times its size when
> stimulated?"....Little Molly's mouth fell open
> and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she
> gonna get in big trouble!"

> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
> class, "Anybody?"

> Finally, Jimmy nervously stood up and said, "The
> body part that increases to 10
> times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the
> eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very
> good, Jimmy."
She then turned to Molly and
> continued, "As for you, young
> lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a
> dirty mind. Second, you
> didn't read your homework. And third, one day you
> are going to be VERY, VERY
> disappointed.
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Feb 16, 2008 6:51 am

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,

And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife s ays, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:02 am

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door..

"OLD" IS WHEN .... Goin g braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.


SEE WHAT ALL YOU YOUNGLINGS HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO? **GRINS**
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Dragonmaster
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:46 pm

Hehe... Oh thats something to long for...
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:04 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:08 pm

The Bottom Line

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:13 pm

rolling on the floor laughing at this on


Milking it

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:22 pm

heres one just for laughs i liked it hope ya do too!



Irish Pub Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Very Happy Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sun Mar 23, 2008 12:22 am

*LOL* geez...
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:29 am

lilwing wrote:
*LOL* geez...

i really didn't know what to put as far as joke wise goes so i thought that if it made me laugh it would make others laugh too!!!
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:27 am

*laughs* it was cute sugar...I read it to Tommy...grins
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sat Mar 29, 2008 6:28 pm

hope ya like hehe

Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Smile
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sun Mar 30, 2008 8:05 am

ok i sent this by pm too some people but if you have kids do not open the link till they are in bed i thought it was interesting and kinda cool the way it ranks you.



Hotlanta
Kink Test - So Just How Kinky Are You?
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sun Mar 30, 2008 8:08 am

loganata wrote:
ok i sent this by pm too some people but if you have kids do not open the link till they are in bed i thought it was interesting and kinda cool the way it ranks you. FOR ADULT EYES ONLY!



Hotlanta
Kink Test - So Just How Kinky Are You?
oh and i hope you enjoy it too lol was some fun questions lol
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Dragonmaster
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:30 pm

I got 399 points on that test. So who else dare to give it a try? Smile
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sun Mar 30, 2008 5:35 pm

Dragonmaster wrote:
I got 399 points on that test. So who else dare to give it a try? Smile
no way did ya get that

i got 637 first time and 585 second time
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PostSubject: Re: for giggles and laughs   Sun Mar 30, 2008 5:46 pm

230 hehe

*Might Knight is a good kid
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